Honestly

I know it might seem as a simple situation and everything and yes I do get what I have to do but there is a web of feelings and thoughts that just cannot be seen..Even by me. Hopefully as I write this maybe something will hit me and I will realize what of is to become of me. To be honest, I am fucking hurting so much for a variety of reasons. I don’t know if it is just me having a bad day but right now its really hard for me to be optimistic because I feel like nothings right at this moment.  I just want to get by but everything seems to be hurting me. In my current situation, I just want this girl to notice how much I care about her. She is gonna be dating some other guy and I want her to be happy but its hard to put aside my feelings of jealousy and anger aside and put her in front. I have been running away from the truth for 2 years already and im still scared. Everytime she would date a guy, id run away and pretend if it never happened but that was probably one of my worst mistakes. I want to put up this personality shield or something that blocks me away from all these things that hurt! I want to pretend to not care but my hearts not gonna let me! And I absoulutely hate it! I want to cry my fucken heart out but teardrops will not come out or even suffice for the pain I feel right now. I wish I could’ve taken her out or be down to do things. This whole story was lies, broken promises, and a story that shouldn’t have ever been made by me. There have been countless times where I wish I confess to her that I love her but in todays society you just cant. This sucks! Why cant we show our affection towards someone? I didn’t have any relationship with her or anything but to me she meant a whole lot. But it seems I barely meant anything to her. And this whole situation, I don’t want it to be a burden on my friends. They are so great already! And how selfish I would be to put this on their shoulders and have to deal with me being sad. That’s why ive been recently avoiding people because I don’t want them to know and also whats the point! Theres nothing I can do! and at every end …ill still be hurting. I’m constinently telling myself that everything be okay but I know its not! I thought she was worth it and I still do but this whole situation is just so one sided. It makes me think whats the point in being nice or doing a good deed or being there for a friend! Shit happens! And what? We ignore it?! It makes me think twice about the person I am today. Should I be a dick and not care because that’s where its honestly pointing me towards. Should I allow my happiness to be succumbed to cynicism? Im just a sitting volcano just waiting to explode. And if do then im deeply sorry if I take it out on you because im not that kinda guy. Can someone just please tell me everythings gonna be okay? sigh

My first years end

yeah i know i should be excited like everyone else about the whole school year ending but in fact im actually not. i guess i am kinda sad thats it is ending. the biggest reason being that the people i would see so often wont be there anymore. its funny because i never would have thought that i would get too connected but in actuality i am. There are sooo many nice and good people here at ucr and well im going to really miss them! : ( its not like highschool where youve known your peers for about four years and then graduating. the thing thats so amazing is that ive been able to build these great friendships in the past year as compared to the four years in highschool. it kinda makes me excited to go out there and meet people but i will never forget those that made dorm life fun. Thank you for everything! too bad ill have to live with arden hoang the next year and suffer because of his terrible music choice : ( hehehe im just joking but no i really will miss everyone! even the people whos faces id see.

one more final to go on friday! and to be honest its the hardest one but all i can think of is how im going to miss the many friends that i have made.